I laughed so loud I embarrassed myself: Hot with anticipation, like a woman in heat. If there was one thing better than a wet hooker, it was guns. Wonderful phrase and very fitting to the character.
Now, Typo Time: And in those scant moments, Andre had ran to the basement armory..." should have been "had RUN."
And as he Andre passed the threshold, the lights went out... should have been either "As he passed..." or "As he, Andre, passed..."
In ...straining to push the words through the clouds of pain, “what are you?” the W in "what are you?" should be capitalized.
Same with the A in "are" in Andre coughed, “are you all right?”
"Set up" should be two words in ...began to setup a temporary residence..."
Him – afraid. Had! Did you mean "Ha!"?
As for content: I loved the action, and your pacing was great. But you did lose me for a moment when Eduardo began to talk about learning the Drowned's name. Was the opening of this piece a flashback? Or were you attempting to "flash forward"? Either way, that was bit confusing.
BTW, you have a thing about starting sentences with "And" in this section. I counted 4. I'm not a stickler about that. I do it myself when it is needed to connect two thoughts that don't play well together in a compound sentence, or for dramatic impact. But that isn't the case all of the time here. See if you can whittle out a couple of them.
All in all, you satisfied me as a reader. I wanted more, and that is at least half the battle in writing good fiction.
The first part was ... yeah. Part flashback. >_> Andre gets ready and remembers exactly what had happened like 2 minutes before. He's a pretty strait forward kind of thinking. Then Ed does the same thing, with his flashback thinking about Rick. But no, no flash forwards. Exactly what paragraph was confusing? Name dropping where? When they first meet Rick? Cuz I uhhhh errr... hold on... *confused myself*
Okay un-confused. Basically the only thing that happens in real time in this chapter is Andre loads a gun and Ed tells him to kill peeps. The rest is flashbacks. That probably wasn't a great idea, but it just happened. xD
And yay good crit. The and thing is something I do out of defiance to stupid grade school teachers who'd beat the shit out of me in the back with a sack of feces whenever I tried to start a sentance with and. And that's why I'll never stop! Defiance! HAHAHAHA! But if there are too many I'll pair 'em down. thx.
-- If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak. - Jayne, Firefly.
I could do the whole flashback in italics thing. Though when I did it for 10.2 and Andre, it was sort of a special situation. I'll keep in mind how to fix it up. I have the power!
-- If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak. - Jayne, Firefly.
Now, Typo Time:
And in those scant moments, Andre had ran to the basement armory..." should have been "had RUN."
And as he Andre passed the threshold, the lights went out... should have been either "As he passed..." or "As he, Andre, passed..."
In ...straining to push the words through the clouds of pain, “what are you?” the W in "what are you?" should be capitalized.
Same with the A in "are" in Andre coughed, “are you all right?”
"Set up" should be two words in ...began to setup a temporary residence..."
Him – afraid. Had! Did you mean "Ha!"?
As for content: I loved the action, and your pacing was great. But you did lose me for a moment when Eduardo began to talk about learning the Drowned's name. Was the opening of this piece a flashback? Or were you attempting to "flash forward"? Either way, that was bit confusing.
BTW, you have a thing about starting sentences with "And" in this section. I counted 4. I'm not a stickler about that. I do it myself when it is needed to connect two thoughts that don't play well together in a compound sentence, or for dramatic impact. But that isn't the case all of the time here. See if you can whittle out a couple of them.
All in all, you satisfied me as a reader. I wanted more, and that is at least half the battle in writing good fiction.